…None of it will have to do with you.

It always seems that when I have something to look forward to, something comes up medically or otherwise and I can not inevitably handle the fact that I can’t handle it.  Today, for example, I was supposed to sing a cappella for #SingForMentalHealthAwareness so there’s some stress right there and then have coffee with a friend who has been a friend of mine since the 5th grade but I haven’t seen her since her marriage about 5 years ago.  I, however, following doctor’s instructions had to up 3 medications last night.  I figured that since I’ve done the upping before, I’d be fine.  However, my anxiety flew threw the roof because of my increasing anxiety in general and because of the medications that I was honestly nervous about ruining my day with my friend.  Those medications, which are sedative had their full effect (which I did not expect…maybe, I kind of did).  I felt like a horrible friend having to let her know and a more horrible cat mom in the morning when I realized that Toby had been walking on me for at least two hours trying to get me to wake up to feed him.  Bad.Cat.Mom.  I spent my day sleeping, setting my alarm to feed my cat and take more medications, sleep some more, and trying to eat random little things even though I didn’t feel like eating a thing.  Nausea.

**TRIGGER** Bipolar is weird.  I spend most of my time in really dark depressions where nearly every thought is of suicide: all day, every day.  A lot of people don’t understand this because I put up such a good front because I’ve been acting my whole life.  But then you’re out of it flying high and being reckless still thinking of suicide too.  Driving recklessly, for me, I still think of others and will not be careless with others around.  Doesn’t make sense does it?  My anxiety and depression has been getting worse as of late as I’ve developed a sort of agoraphobia to go along with them.  My PTSD has been kicking in more and I seem to be getting more panic attacks, so I guess that’s something new to talk about as well as the migraines. 

It was nice to have a catharsis in music and opera, but when I developed GERD and lost the ability that I did have, it really damaged me.  It’s so strange thought because any time I go on a stage, there is no anxiety at all – none.  I wonder if that’s how it is with performers sometimes?  So many people tell me that I need to get out back on stage but I don’t think I’m very good at Improv which I’ve been trying (I’m too much of a perfectionist), I never seem to fit the molds of the characters directors have in mind (I also already think no one likes me which is my own character flaw but I WILL audition for the Christmas show), and I don’t know how to do much behind stage because I like to be on the on-stage action and get a tad bit jealous.  LoL! 

I do write poetry.  Maybe I should look for poetry nights around town.  I just don’t have many friends anymore.  I’ve shut pretty much all of them out or they’ve moved away and that makes me feel worse about myself.  I’m just looking for “my people”…  I need to get out and I don’t feel like I should be holding back all that I have been for so, so very long.

Eh, enough of that.  Here’s something to leave with you:




My response to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge:

Facts You Should KnowALS is not contagious.

It is estimated that ALS is responsible for nearly two deaths per hundred thousand population annually.

Approximately 5,600 people in the U.S. are diagnosed with ALS each year. The incidence of ALS is two per 100,000 people, and it is estimated that as many as 30,000 Americans may have the disease at any given time.

Although the life expectancy of an ALS patient averages about two to five years from the time of diagnosis, this disease is variable and many people live with quality for five years and more. More than half of all patients live more than three years after diagnosis.

About twenty percent of people with ALS live five years or more and up to ten percent will survive more than ten years and five percent will live 20 years. There are people in whom ALS has stopped progressing and a small number of people in whom the symptoms of ALS reversed.

ALS occurs throughout the world with no racial, ethnic or socioeconomic boundaries.

ALS can strike anyone.


Where’s the Mental Illness Ice Bucket Challenge?

Facts You Should Know

Mental Illness is not contagious.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. (more common than homicide) and the third leading cause of death for ages 15 to 24 years. More than 90 percent of those who die by suicide had one or more mental disorders.

One in four adults−approximately 61.5 million Americans−experiences mental illness in a given year. One in 17−about 13.6 million−live with a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, major depression or bipolar disorder. Approximately 20 percent of youth ages 13 to 18 experience severe mental disorders in a given year. For ages 8 to 15, the estimate is 13 percent.

Mood disorders such as depression are the third most common cause of hospitalization in the U.S. for both youth and adults ages 18 to 44. Individuals living with serious mental illness face an increased risk of having chronic medical conditions. Adults living with serious mental illness die on average 25 years earlier than other Americans, largely due to treatable medical conditions.

Mental Illness occurs throughout the world with no racial, ethnic or socioeconomic boundaries.

Mental Illness can strike anyone.


NAMI Official Website

Yesterday was shitty so today we’re doing cat pictures. Go fuck yourself, yesterday.

Absolutely needed this today. And the link to the song “Secrets” …Is she talking about me or herself? I already know the REAL answer but, again, this was needed today.

The Bloggess

Question:  What’s the difference between kids during summer vacation and kittens at any time?

hunter bored

It’s not a riddle.  I just really want to know.

PS.  Yes, that is Hunter S. Thomcat when he was still Hunter S. Thomkitten.  He was very demanding.  He still is, but now when he flops down on my neck in the middle of the night it’s less of a sweet nuzzle and more like a ninja has karate-chopped my jugular.  And the ninja wants food.  And some snugglin’.  And he’s confused about why I won’t wake up because he doesn’t understand that cats and people are always in different time zones.

PPS.  Cat pictures and happy songs.  This is what I need today.  Maybe you do too.  So here are two that I’m listening too today.  You might hate them and that’s okay.  Feel free to share your favorite happy song or cat picture or whatever makes you smile in…

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Jokes and the Truth

My mother just sent me the following “joke”:

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . It’s11:00 AM on a Wednesday.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America .”

The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says,
“I am from Middle East. I am not American.”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa.”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

The African lady checks her watch and says:

“Probably at work.”

I can’t even express just how insulting this “joke” is. It’s not funny in any remote sense of the word. Mexican people work. Vietnamese people work. Middle Eastern people work. African people work. Russian people work. Immigrants work very hard for what they have. How awful can we be as humans to put such stereotypes onto others? They are NOT a drain on society.

I started working when I was 15 years old working two jobs plus baby-sitting for a total of 30 hours a week (sometimes more) as well as going to school. This continued throughout college. When I started working full-time I also had a second job and worked a total of 50+ hours a week. Now, I do not have a job. I am on food stamps. I am on Social Security and have Medicare because of my mental illnesses that are a bitch to live with. (Being hospitalized multiple times or for over a month multiple times a year is not fun and not easy but I’d be dead otherwise.) I AM A DRAIN ON SOCIETY AND I FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT IT.

America is made up of a variety of nationalities, a melting pot, and to point out that one nationality or person is better than another is extremely reprehensible. I am extremely disappointed that my own mother feels this way. Because of the fact that I am on some of those things listed above, I am less than. I feel less than. To have that confirmed as such by someone who has told me that I’m not but has now shown through this action and the resulting conversation…is very upsetting. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now and I feel even worse about myself and my situation as a result.


UPDATE: To be sure everyone understands, I am not trying to call-out my mom or shame her because I know multiple people that have said something like this out-right. This was solely to express my response and feelings and that’s all this is meant to do.