Some days I just FEEL old. I know, I know. Riddikulus! (Harry Potter nerd joke inserted there.) 😀 As I’ve already told you, I’m 28 and most days that feels like I’m some where in my late 30s. Most of my friends are married and a lot have started having babies and I’m just hanging out here having a cat…maybe I need twelve more to become a bonafide cat-lady…(or definitely maybe not).
Besides feeling old, I’m finally starting to feel like I’m coming out of my 8 month depressive episode so that’s positive! Maybe I won’t feel so old once I’m all the way out and to help push myself a little bit, since I have anxiety and some agoraphobia going on, I was thinking of going to an open workshop to work on some improv theater. I’ve always loved theater (and music…mostly music) and all of the great people you get to meet so I thought it might be something fun to do. I am, however, already showing signs of my high anxiety…(I’m totally fine with acting silly, stupid, and funny around people that I already know but I don’t know most of the people that are in the group…eeeek) so I’m a little scared! Usually, that’s when my false bravada kicks in and saves me from untimely humiliation or timely humiliation…whichever. I have no idea when all this crazy anxiety started as I never used to have any problems when I was younger; I was the belle of the carport ball and Toby loves my improv’d singing!
When I say, “Belle of the carport ball,” I mean that I performed in my grandparent’s carport for all of their friends on the weekends when they’d have their friends over sipping beverages and laughing and having a good time. I loved to be the center of attention and when I got up to perform my musical numbers, I was. I’ve always loved to sing. I loved it so much that I went on to college to pursue opera but…dun,dun,dunnnnn: GERD happened (I hate GERD) and that stopped me from my grand performance destiny. Truthfully, that’s okay with me (now) because performing wasn’t fun anymore and something that I had loved for so long and had wanted to be a part of for so long should have remained fun – otherwise, it wouldn’t have been worth doing. So, now, it’s a past-time that I haven’t had much energy or push to do because of my most recent depressive episode. Wah-wah… Now, that can change since there’s finally an opportunity out there for me to change it myself!
Jumbled story short (can you tell that I haven’t had my ADD medicine for the past couple of days?), I’m going to have to take my anxiety-ridden butt out this Saturday to the open improv group where I’ll know either no one or only a couple people and let my freak-flag fly. The only way I can get out there again is TO get out there again. I don’t need marriage or babies (HEAVEN FORBID!) and I don’t need to feel old. I’m still young and I have a lot of time to do a lot of things and there are a lot of things that I still want to do (AND I’m particularly stubborn so I know that I won’t just let opportunities pass me by – that’s one of my good qualities). I’m weird. I like being weird. I like being funny. I like making other people laugh. I like being musically talented and I like sharing that talent…even if it’s just with my cat (because he really does love it because I’m so amazing…seriously).
Hopefully, you guys can take some time to think of some ways to get yourselves out there – to be more present in your own lives. Don’t let them just float on by…I’ve already let that happen for too long and it doesn’t do anything for anyone. Do something for you today, even if it’s something little. You deserve it! Be your own carport belle of the ball!